


Issues

by loveisallyouneed21



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, Anxiety, Canon Compliant, Depression, Episode: s04e02 Pregnancy Test, Episode: s04e07 The Barbecue, Episode: s05e02 Love Letters, Episode: s05e11 Meet the Parents, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, One Shot, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:40:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26082820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loveisallyouneed21/pseuds/loveisallyouneed21
Summary: 5 times David struggles with self-harm and 1 time Patrick shares about his own mental health struggles.
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Comments: 2
Kudos: 104





	Issues

**Author's Note:**

> This story takes place throughout Season 4 and Season 5
> 
> Title from the song Issues by Julia Michaels
> 
> Please read the tags and please take care of yourself

1.

It’s early in their relationship and Patrick is so happy he can be close to David and finally touch him. He enjoys so many things: running his hands over David’s strong arms, wrapping his arms around David’s waist, resting his hands on David’s thighs. Patrick likes finding new places to touch David and cataloging David’s reactions.

One night after closing Rose Apothecary, Patrick watches David restocking merchandise across the store and feels overwhelmed by a desire to be close to him. Patrick comes up behind David and wraps him up in a hug, resting his hands on David’s stomach. Patrick feels David flinch before gently removing his hands. This is the first time David has removed Patrick’s hands from his body and Patrick catalogs this as something David doesn’t like. Everyone has things about their body they don’t like and he assumes David is insecure about his stomach much like Patrick is insecure about his thighs. David turns around and kisses Patrick’s cheek before walking away to get more products.

When David gets back to the motel that night he can still feel Patrick’s hands on him. He goes to the bathroom and starts the shower before taking of his shirt and looking in the mirror. He places his hands where Patrick’s were on his stomach and stares. He holds his hands in that position for a moment before slowly moving his fingers over the scars he has made. David is so happy being close to Patrick and enjoys when Patrick’s hands are on him, but he hopes to avoid having Patrick’s hands on his stomach again.

2.

Patrick leaves at closing so he can go home and pack a bag to take to Stevie’s. David goes through the motions of closing the store while his mind obsesses about the upcoming night. When Patrick first told David he wanted to take things slow he was a little relieved. If they were taking things slow he could avoid Patrick seeing or feeling his scars for a longer time. At this point they both had respected the boundary of only touching over clothes, but David knew that was likely changing tonight since this will be the first time they have privacy to connect.

Don’t get him wrong; David **really** wants to connect with Patrick. His reluctance at Stevie’s offer had nothing to do with wanting Patrick; he was just concerned about Patrick’s reactions to his scars. He tries coming up with different ways he could have sex while keeping his shirt on, but struggles to believe it wouldn’t raise suspicions from Patrick.

This hadn’t really been a concern for David in the past. The people he had been with didn’t care about David and thus didn’t care about his scars, no matter how fresh they were. The only person who ever brought up his scars in the past had been Stevie, but he brushed it aside telling her it was something he did when he was young and no longer struggled with. Stevie didn’t seem to totally believe him, but she let it go.

The problem is that David really cares about Patrick. Patrick is such a nice guy and David doesn’t want to bring his issues into whatever they are; David refuses to even think of it as a relationship out of fear of getting his hopes up. His thoughts continue spiraling as he goes back to the motel to grab his bag and wait for Patrick to pick him up.

Once they are at Stevie’s apartment all of these anxious thoughts get replaced with new ones; his thoughts now center on Patrick’s reaction to the whole Jake thing. They drink some whiskey and discuss David’s past with Jake, which David tries to move past quickly, not wanting to get into more details about his past.

Patrick reminds David to lock it up and deepens their kiss; which makes David feel warm all over. He brings his hands up to rest on Patrick’s chest before running them down his sides. His hands hold on to Patrick’s hips as he rubs his thumbs back and forth against the hem of Patrick’s sweater. Patrick pulls away to catch his breath and reaches for the hem of his sweater. He removes his sweater and his t-shirt underneath all at once and the sight of a shirtless Patrick mesmerizes David.

Patrick sees his reaction and fervently pulls David back in to a heated kiss. David’s hands quickly move to explore the newly revealed skin as he kisses Patrick passionately. Patrick’s grip tightens on David’s hips before reaching under David’s sweater to begin pushing it up and out of the way. David feels the cold air hit his stomach and freezes as Patrick’s hands brush up against his scars.

Patrick feels David freeze and pulls back from the kiss to look at David’s face. David’s eyes are cast down so Patrick follows his gaze. David wraps his arms around his stomach, but it is too late. Patrick has felt them. Patrick has seen them. Patrick **knows** about them.

Patrick removes his hands allowing David’s sweater to fall back into place. He quietly says, “David,” unsure of what else to say.

David tries to shake it off. He lets out a nervous laugh before saying with false bravado, “It’s nothing really. Let’s keep going.”

David presses a desperate kiss to Patrick’s lips. Patrick brings his hands up to cradle David’s face and gently pulls away. He cautiously says, “David it’s not nothing.”

David jumps to his feet and starts flailing his hands around as he rushes to say, “Okay so it’s not nothing. It’s a small issue I had in the past that we don’t need to talk about because I’m fine.”

Patrick reaches for his hands and gently pulls him down to sit next to him again. “It’s something we can talk about, if you want?”

David rapidly shakes his head. He quickly pulls Patrick back into a kiss in the hopes of distracting him. He succeeds and Patrick is thoroughly distracted. David kisses up his jaw to his ear and whispers, “Let’s get you out of your jeans.”

Patrick inhales a sharp breath before clearing his throat to respond. “Yes. Yes, let’s do that.” Patrick stands up and David helps to remove his jeans. They return to the bed and David pulls Patrick down on top of him.

Patrick feels a little weird being the only one without clothes on and the fabric of David’s pants feel weird against his skin. Patrick reaches for his pants and David lifts his hips so Patrick can slide them off his body. David then lifts his head and shoulders up so he can quickly take his own sweater off. Once David tosses his sweater to the side he lies back down and reaches out to bring Patrick’s body onto his again but he’s too late for the second time tonight.

Patrick is straddling David’s thighs, which would be incredibly hot, if it weren’t for the fact that he was staring at David’s stomach. Patrick reaches out a finger and touches the scars.

Patrick clears his throat, “David some of these look old,” he traces his finger over some of the marks of raised skin that are just slightly a different color then the rest of his skin. He moves his finger to trace one of the stretched red marks, “but some of these look recent.”

Patrick looks up to meet David’s slightly glazed over eyes. Patrick rolls off of him and props himself up on his elbow next to David. Patrick starts tracing David’s skin again, but this time he’s tracing patterns up and down his arm. David finds it surprisingly soothing.

David takes a deep breath and stares at the ceiling. He begins with, “The thing is it is mostly a past issue. It’s just sometimes I slip up again.”

Patrick quietly hums, “Can I ask how frequently these slips happen?”

David bites at his bottom lip before exhaling. “I don’t know. There isn’t like a set frequency. Just sometimes when I feel like something is my fault or when I feel like I’m not enough, I slip up.” A few tears escape David’s eyes and roll down his temples. He hastily wipes them away before sitting up.

Giving Patrick an out David says, “So we should probably leave. I can borrow Stevie’s car to get back to the motel. If you want we can end whatever this is and just be business partners. Or if you don’t even want to stay business partners I completely understand –“

Patrick sits up and grabs David’s hands. “I don’t want any of that,” Patrick says incredulously. “I don’t want us to leave. I still want to spend the night with you. How I feel about you hasn’t changed at all. I still want to continue what we have.” Patrick says sincerely.

David looks at him and asks, “Are you sure?”

Patrick nods, “Yes I’m sure.”

David plays with Patrick’s fingers, “I don’t really want to talk about slips and stuff anymore tonight.”

Patrick nods again, “Of course we can talk about it another time.”

“Okay.” David gives him a tentative smile.

Patrick pulls him into another kiss. This time David is the one to deepen the kiss and lower Patrick to the bed. They continue exploring each other in new ways the rest of the night.

3.

The morning after the barbeque David feels like he is in too much pain. He goes to the bathroom where he slips again and again. The thought _“I’m not good enough”_ repeats in his head again and again. The thought _“This is all my fault”_ repeats in his head again and again. He is too damaged and it’s no different this time. His trust issues swooped in and messed up another relationship.

As he cleans up the cuts stretching across his stomach he feels numb. He can’t decide which is worse, feeling too much or feeling nothing at all.

4.

Patrick returns to their store with lunch in hand, but doesn’t see David in the front of the store. Patrick locks the door behind him and sighs. He knows that neither of them is thrilled to be working on their day off, but seeing how they left work early the previous day there’s a lot to be done.

Patrick ducks into the storage room and finds David sitting on the floor shirtless. Patrick thinks this is rather odd and out of character for David until he walks further into the room and sees David holding a shard of glass in his right hand while running his fingers over the scars on his stomach with his left hand. Patrick walks closer and gently wraps his hand around David’s right wrist. David looks up at him as Patrick extends his other hand in front of him. David lowers his right hand into Patrick’s and lets go carefully.

Patrick grabs a paper bag to drop the shard of glass in before quickly cleaning up the rest of the shattered glass on the ground. Patrick makes sure all the broken glass goes in the paper bag before tucking it away behind the trash bin by the desk. Patrick then turns and reaches his hands out towards David who grasps on tightly. Patrick gently pulls David to his feet and leads him to the small loveseat they have tucked in the corner of the storage room.

Patrick grabs one of their vendor’s new blankets off a shelf to drape over David once they settle on the loveseat, hoping to make David as comfortable as possible. David curls into Patrick who holds on to him tight.

David starts to cry quietly while saying, “I didn’t do anything. I swear I didn’t do anything.”

Patrick softly shushes him, “I know baby.”

“I just accidentally knocked into the shelf and the glass shattered all over the floor. I went to clean it up, but when I got closer I saw that one shard of glass and I don’t know what happened. It’s all I could focus on.” David rambles quickly.

Patrick presses a kiss to the top of David’s head and reaches out to grab his hand.

David’s breath staggers before he continues, “My skin started, I don’t know, tingling? My skin just felt hot and itchy so I took my sweater off. Then the next thing I know I’m holding the glass in one hand and touching my scars with the other. But I didn’t do it. I didn’t slip.”

“I know. Everything is okay David.” He murmurs.

5.

Patrick returns to the store after closing because he drove all the way home before realizing that he forgot his laptop. When he enters Rose Apothecary he notices that he must have forgotten to turn the lights off in the back of the store. He heads towards the back and turns them off, but realizes there is still a sliver of light coming from the bathroom. He sighs and opens the door.

Patrick jumps a little and puts his hand over his racing heart, very startled to find a person in the store’s bathroom. Once he takes in the person and what they are doing he feels his heart drop into his stomach. David is at the sink cleaning blood off of his stomach. Patrick swallows around the lump in his throat. In the past he never saw his stomach until the cuts had begun to heal.

David looks at Patrick just as shocked before reaching over to close the door. Patrick leans his head against the closed door and knocks lightly. “Baby, please let me in. You know I won’t judge you, I just want to help.”

Several minutes pass before David slowly opens the door. He glances at Patrick quickly before returning to wiping the blood away. Patrick leans around David to grab their first aid kit. When he returns David throws away the paper towels, successful at getting the cuts to stop bleeding.

Patrick makes quick work of bandaging up David’s cuts, thankful that he remembers the first aid training he took as a teenager. As Patrick puts away the first aid kit David pulls his sweater back on.

“Would you come back to my place so we can talk?” Patrick asks David. “Ray texted a little while ago to say he’d be out tonight.”

David nods his head slightly and says, “Okay.”

He follows Patrick out to his car and they drive silently to Ray’s, holding hands the whole ride over. Patrick lies down on his bed once they enter his bedroom and opens his arms for David to join him. David cuddles in close and they sit in more silence.

Patrick can’t take the quiet anymore and begins talking. “I’m so sorry David. I’m so sorry I made you do this.”

David is quick to correct him, “You didn’t make me do anything.”

“I was too harsh with you. You did the right thing protecting yourself and Stevie. You both are far more important than any of the things in our store.” Patrick rushes to say.

“While that all may be true, it doesn’t change what I did. As soon as the guy who robbed us left the store I immediately blamed myself. I called myself stupid and a bad business owner and a bunch of other things. Regardless of what you said I still would’ve slipped.” David explains.

Patrick still doesn’t look convinced so David tries again. “Okay so it doesn’t matter specifically what is going on in my life, my brain is always going to come up with reasons to hurt myself. It will always find a way to convince me that I deserve to be punished or that somehow the physical pain will get rid of whatever pain I’m already feeling. This is about me and it’s something that only I can solve.” David pauses before quietly whispering to himself “I know I need to start seeing a therapist again.”

Patrick thinks over his words before asking, “Is there anything I can do?”

David smiles slightly, “You’re already doing it by being with me. By loving me. That’s all you can do.”

Patrick looks at David so earnestly and says, “I do love you David. I hope you know that.”

David’s smile widens a bit more. “I do know that honey. I love you too.”

+1

“Thank you again for inviting my parents. It really ended up being a blessing in disguise.” Patrick whispers into David’s skin.

They continue cuddling in bed before Patrick asks, “Can I tell you something?”

David tightens his arms around Patrick while saying, “Always.”

Patrick closes his eyes and mutters; “I don’t really know how I’m going to say this because I’ve never talked about it with anyone before. I just I want you to know, but I don’t know how long it’s going to take to get it all out.”

David brings Patrick’s hand up to his lips and kisses it softly before responding. “Take as much time as you need love.”

“Okay. I’ve told you that I felt miserable in my life before Schitt’s Creek, but I don’t know if I ever told you how much I truly hated myself. I mean I hated myself for hating myself, if that makes sense. I would constantly think about how I had no right to be this miserable because my life was pretty great, right? I mean I had a loving family, a pretty fiancé that I’d known my whole life, a degree in business and a stable job. I was so miserable and I didn’t understand why. I felt kind of hopeless I guess because if I didn’t understand why I felt this way how was I supposed to change my feelings. I now know that I felt this way because I was trying so hard to hide who I was and try to live up to the expectations I thought others had of me. At the time I didn’t want to admit it, even to myself, but I was um, I was suicidal. The night before I ran away to Schitt’s Creek I really scared myself. Basically I came to Schitt’s Creek because I feared that if I didn’t change my life I would actually you know go through with it. The reason I hadn’t told my parents about us and about me being gay was because they were a part of my old life that I desperately didn’t want to change.” Patrick stops, feeling winded and gasping for breath.

David squeezes Patrick’s hand and says, “Thank you for telling me.”

Patrick feels his face warm as he blushes. He murmurs, “You’re welcome.”

David takes the time he needs to process this new information before saying, “Can I ask you something?”

Patrick hums, “Mm-hmm.”

“Do you still feel suicidal?” David questions.

Patrick whispers, “Yeah. Sometimes. I almost always feel that way when I don’t think I’m being my authentic self. Other times the thoughts come out of nowhere, _“I wish I was dead.”_ Then I work really hard to remember any and all reasons I wish to stay alive.”

David leans in and kisses Patrick lovingly. When he pulls back David begins gently rubbing Patrick's shoulders. "I wish you didn't have to deal with this. Have you ever thought of trying therapy?"

Patrick clears his throat, "Uh yeah? I mean the thought has crossed my mind, but I always dismissed it pretty quickly."

David nods his head and waits for Patrick, sensing he isn't done talking.

"But I think I'm willing to give it a try." Patrick says determined. 

David pulls Patrick in for one more kiss. “I love you.”

Patrick smiles, “I love you too.”

They spend the rest of the night cuddling and reminding each other of the love they share.

**Author's Note:**

> This is another headcanon of mine. I hope no one was triggered. Once again I’ve written a story to work through my own shit I’m dealing with.


End file.
